!Funny Quote

Swami Beyondananda's FUN-da-Mental Pointers

2005-07-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

"1.Be a fundamentalist, make sure fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day and that will insure regularhilarity.

2.
Remember that each of us has been given a special gift - just for entering. So you are already a winner!

3.
The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me

4.
Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.

5.
As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between our ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use your truth brush and mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in the Absurdiveness Training Class: "Don't get even, get odd."

6.
If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there will surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7.
I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8.
There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9.
Everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember,enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. You don't have to go through channels.

10.
Finally, if you're looking to find the key to the universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the Universe. The good news is - it was never locked."

--- Swami Beyondananda ---

Mark Twain

2005-06-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

"Noise proves nothing.
Often a hen who has merely laid an egg
cackles as if she laid an asteroid."

--- Mark Twain ---

Brooke Shields

2005-06-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

"Smoking kills. If you're killed,
you've lost a very important part of your life."

--- Brooke Shields ---

Wendy Leibman

2005-06-04T14:30:00.000-07:00

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking
is bothering them...

Well, it's killing me!"

--- Wendy Leibman ---

Robert Reich

2005-06-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

"There are only two kinds of people who predict
the stock market on a day-to-day basis.
Those who don't know...
and those who don't know they don't know"

--- Robert Reich ---

Ambrose Bierce

2005-06-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

"PAINTING, n:
The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather
and exposing them to the critic."

--- Ambrose Bierce ---

Bert Williams

2005-06-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

" Books had instant replay long before televised sports."

--- Bert Williams ---

Nicole Hollander

2005-05-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

"Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime and lots of happy fat women"

--- Nicole Hollander ---

Barbara Bergmann

2005-05-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

"To be a housewife is to be a member of a very peculiar
occupation, one with characteristics like no other.

The nature of the duties to be performed,
the method of payment, the form of supervision,

the tenure system, the "market" in which the "workers"
find "jobs," and the physical hazzards
are all very different from the way things are
in other occupations."

--- Barbara Bergmann ---

Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

2005-05-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

"In theory,
there is no difference between theory and practice.
But, in practice,
there is."

--- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut ---

Robert Maynard Hutchins

2005-05-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

"Whenever I feel the urge to exercise coming on,
I lie down until it passes over"

--- Robert Maynard Hutchins ---

Alexander Haig

2005-05-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

"That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude."

--- Alexander Haig ---

Robert Orben

2005-05-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored
was father and mother rather than all major credit cards."

--- Robert Orben ---

Fran Lebowitz

2005-05-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

--- Fran Lebowitz ---

Erma Bombeck

2005-05-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

"The only reason I would take up jogging
is so I could hear heavy breathing again."

--- Erma Bombeck ---

John Wooden

2005-04-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

"The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team."

--- John Wooden ---

David Frost

2005-04-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

"Television enables you to be entertained in your home
by people you wouldn't have in your home."

--- David Frost ---

Billy Graham

2005-04-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Everybody has a little bit of Watergate in him."

--- Billy Graham ---

Frank McKinney Hubbard

2005-04-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

"The safest way to double your money
is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket."

--- Frank McKinney Hubbard ---

George Bush

2005-04-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

"I have opinions of my own... strong opinions...
but I don't always agree with them."

--- George Bush ---

Steven Wright

2005-04-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

"I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything."

--- Steven Wright ---

Lily Tomlin

2005-04-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse."

--- Lily Tomlin ---

Sir John Pentland Mahaffy

2005-04-19T00:42:00.000-07:00

"In Ireland the inevitable never happens
and the unexpected constantly occurs."

--- Sir John Pentland Mahaffy ---

Gay Talese

2005-04-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

"The real problem is what to do with the problem-solvers
after the problems are solved."

--- Gay Talese ---

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2005-04-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

"I pay the schoolmaster
but 'tis the schoolboys who educate my son."

--- Ralph Waldo Emerson ---

Lee Rudolph

2005-04-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

"No one wants a good education.
Everyone wants a good degree."

--- Lee Rudolph ---

Pablo Picasso

2005-04-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."

--- Pablo Picasso ---

Sir Thomas Beecham

2005-04-14T07:17:00.000-07:00

"Composers should write tunes that chauffeurs
and errand boys can whistle."

--- Sir Thomas Beecham ---

Carol Leifer

2005-04-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

"I'm not into working out.
My philosophy: No pain, no pain."

--- Carol Leifer ---

Will Durant

2005-04-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

"Education is a progressive discovery of our ignorance."

--- Will Durant ---

Ronald Reagan

2005-04-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

"The taxpayer:
That's someone who works for the federal government
but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

--- Ronald Reagan ---

P.J. O'Rourke

2005-04-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

"Always read something that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it."

--- P.J. O'Rourke ---

Calvin Trillin

2005-04-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

"I never did very well in math -
I could never seem to persuade the teacher that
I hadn't meant my answers literally. "

--- Calvin Trillin ---

George D. Prentice

2005-04-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

"Much smoking kills live men and cures dead swine."

--- George D. Prentice ---

Dave Barry

2005-04-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

"Have you noticed...
that whatever sport you're trying to learn,
some earnest person is always telling you to
keep your knees bent? "

--- Dave Barry ---

Jimmy Buffett

2005-04-06T00:46:00.000-07:00

"Indecision may, or may not, be my problem."

--- Jimmy Buffett ---

James Thurber

2005-04-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

"Seeing is deceiving.
It's eating that's believing."

--- James Thurber ---

Paula Poundstone

2005-03-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

"The problem with cats
is that they get the exact same look on their face
whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."

--- Paula Poundstone ---

William Inge

2005-03-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

"A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased,
which is more than can be said for human beings"

--- William Inge ---

Logan Pearsall Smith

2005-03-25T11:22:00.000-08:00

"I cannot forgive my friends for dying:
I do not find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing"

--- Logan Pearsall Smith ---

2005-03-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

No Post Today
My Dad Translated
Norman Arthur Westley Greene

Dave Barry

2005-03-23T19:27:00.000-08:00

"I want a pit crew...
I hate the procedure I currently have to go through
when I have car problems."

--- Dave Barry ---

Income Tax Returns.

2005-03-22T11:32:00.000-08:00

"Income tax returns are the most
imaginative fiction being written today."

--- Herman Wouk ---

Hermione Gingold

2005-03-21T06:34:00.000-08:00

"A diet is when you watch what you eat
and wish you could eat what you watch."

--- Hermione Gingold ---

Steven Wright

2005-03-20T07:53:00.000-08:00

"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy,
"Do you have any toy train schedules?"

--- Steven Wright ---

Hector Berlioz

2005-03-19T00:13:00.000-08:00

"Time is a great teacher,
but unfortunately it kills all its pupils "

--- Hector Berlioz ---

Franz Kafka

2005-03-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

"Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document
and call it a brief."

--- Franz Kafka ---

Anthony Powell

2005-03-17T06:45:00.000-08:00

"Growing old is like being increasingly penalized
for a crime you haven't committed."

--- Anthony Powell ---

Wright

2005-03-16T07:29:00.000-08:00

"I bought some powdered water,
but I don't know what to add to it."

--- Steven Wright ---

Lin Yutang

2005-03-15T06:31:00.000-08:00

"If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon
in a perfectly useless manner,
you have learned how to live."

--- Lin Yutang ---

Funny Quote: ... Zappa

2005-03-14T07:43:00.000-08:00

"There is more stupidity around than hydrogen,
and it has a longer shelf life."

--- Frank Zappa ---

Funny Quote: ... Zappa

2005-03-13T08:33:00.000-08:00

"The computer can't tell you the emotional story.
It can give you the exact mathematical design,
but what's missing is the eyebrows."

--- Frank Zappa ---

Funny Quote: ... Reagan

2005-03-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan,
walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."

--- Ronald Reagan ---

Funny Quote: ... Wright

2005-03-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven
and almost went back in time"

--- Steven Wright ---

Funny Quote: ... Wilson

2005-03-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind."

--- Tom Wilson ---

Funny Quote: ... Allen

2005-03-09T07:40:00.000-08:00

"It is probably not love that makes the world go around,
but rather those mutually supportive alliances
through which partners recognize their dependence
on each other for the achievement of
shared and private goals."

--- Fred Allen ---

Funny Quote: ... Barry

2005-03-08T12:05:00.000-08:00

"Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU,
which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes,
and within a fraction of a second it sends you
an error message that requires you to call
the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold
for approximately the life-span of a caribou "

--- Dave Barry ---

Funny Quote: ... Caine

2005-03-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

"Meticulous planning will enable everything a man does
to appear spontaneous."

--- Mark Caine ---

Funny Quote: ... Stewart

2005-03-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

"New York became the first state to ban talking on
hand-held cell phones while driving.

First-time violators could receive a fine of $100,
with an additional mandatory six-month jail
sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed
novelty song."

--- Jon Stewart ---

Funny Quote: ... Bierce

2005-03-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

"Patience, n.
A minor form of despair,
disguised as a virtue.. "

--- Ambrose Bierce ---

Funny Quote: ... Einstein

2005-03-04T10:11:00.000-08:00

"Gravitation can not be held responsible
for people falling in love."

--- Albert Einstein ---

Funny Quote: ... Ellerbee

2005-03-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

"If men can run the world,
why can't they stop wearing neckties?

How intelligent is it to start the day by
tying a little noose around your neck? "

--- Linda Ellerbee ---

Funny Quote: ... Archard

2005-03-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

"Women have a passion for mathematics.
They divide their age in half,
double the price of their clothes,
and always add at least five years
to the age of their best friend."

--- Marcel Achard ---

Funny Quote: ... Mencken

2005-03-01T02:56:00.000-08:00

"When women kiss it always reminds one of
prize fighters shaking hands"

--- H. L. Mencken ---

Funny Quote: ... Wright

2005-02-28T07:55:00.000-08:00

"If toast always lands butter-side down,
and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast
on the back of a cat and drop it?"

--- Steven Wright ---

Funny Quote: ... Butler

2005-02-27T01:17:00.000-08:00

"Man is the only animal that can remain
on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat
until he eats them."

--- Samuel Butler ---

Funny Quote: ... Louis

2005-02-26T11:37:00.000-08:00

"I don't like money, actually,
but it quiets my nerves."

--- Joe Louis ---

Funny Quote: ... Hubbard

2005-02-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

"You can lead a boy to college
but you can't make him think."

--- Elbert Hubbard ---

Funny Quote: ... Happiness

2005-02-24T14:52:00.000-08:00

"It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
poverty and wealth have both failed. "

--- Kin Hubbard ---

Funny Quote: ... TV Knob

2005-02-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV
to turn up the intelligence?

There's one marked 'Brightness,'
but it doesn't work."

--- Gallagher ---

Funny Quote: ... Run

2005-02-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

"Do you want to trace your family tree?
Run for public office. "

--- Patricia H. Vance ---

Funny Quote: ... Main difference

2005-02-21T07:39:00.000-08:00

"The main difference between men and women
is that men are lunatics and women are idiots."

--- Dame Rebecca West ---

Funny Quote: ... Charge off

2005-02-20T00:31:00.000-08:00

"Police arrested two kids yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off."

--- Tommy Cooper ---

Funny Quote: ... Veggies

2005-02-19T07:07:00.000-08:00

"An onion can make people cry
but there's never been a vegetable
that can make people laugh. "

--- Will Rogers ---

Funny Quote: ... Television

2005-02-18T07:47:00.000-08:00

"Television is a medium because
anything well done is rare."

--- Fred Allen ---

Funny Quote: ... To the wise

2005-02-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

"A word to the wise ain't necessary ...
it's the stupid ones that need the advice. "

--- Bill Cosby ---

Funny Quote: ... Resistance

2005-02-16T07:13:00.000-08:00

"I can resist everything except temptation."

--- Oscar Wilde ---

Funny Quote: ... Justin???

2005-02-15T00:48:00.000-08:00

"Every relationship I've been in,
I've overwhelmed the girl.
They just can't handle all the love."

--- Justin Timberlake ---

Funny Quote: ... Gambling

2005-02-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

"I used to be a heavy gambler.
But now I just make mental bets.
That's how I lost my mind."

--- Steve Allen ---

Funny Quote: ... Lunatics

2005-02-13T08:34:00.000-08:00

"All are lunatics,
but he who can analyse his delusions
is called a philosopher."

--- Ambrose Bierce ---

Funny Quote: ... No Need

2005-02-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

"I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same
purpose as a husband.

I have a dog which growls every morning,
a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night."

--- Marie Corelli ---

Funny Quote: ... Marriage

2005-02-11T09:02:00.000-08:00

"Let us now set forth
one of the fundamental truths about marriage:

the wife is in charge."

--- Bill Cosby ---

Funny Quote: ... Size doesn't matter

2005-02-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

"Its not the size of the dog in the fight,
its the size of the fight in the dog."

--- Mark Twain ---

Funny Quote: ... How To...

2005-02-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

" If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come
there are so many books on how to do it?"

--- Bette Midler ---

Funny Quote: ... Skeletons

2005-02-08T10:25:00.000-08:00

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet,
you'd best teach it to dance."

--- George Bernard Shaw ---

Funny Quote: ... Women and Cats

2005-02-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

"Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea"

--- Robert A. Heinlein ---

Funny Quote: ... Shopping

2005-02-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

"Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied,
you can exchange it for something you really like."

--- Adrienne Gusoff ---

Funny Quote: ... Happiness

2005-02-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others, whenever they go."

--- Oscar Wilde ---

Funny Quote: ... UNIX

2005-02-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system,
but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity."

--- Dennis Ritchie ---

Funny Quote: ... Life Time

2005-02-03T08:14:00.000-08:00

"Life is a waste of time,
time is a waste of life,
so get wasted all of the time
and have the time of your life"

--- Tom Waits ---

Funny Quote:... Marry

2005-02-02T01:16:00.000-08:00

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll be happy. If you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher...

and that is a good thing for any man. "

--- Socrates ---

Funny Quote... War

2005-02-01T23:14:00.000-08:00

"War does not determine who is right -

only who is left"

--- Bertrand Russell ---